Aksara

Jakarta, 12 July 2021

It passed midnight and Permission to Dance is already blasting on my ear for 3 hours on loop now
I really need to sleep, but working from home really makes my night owl habit rised up again.
There is nothing better than working in the middle of the night where the world quiet and calm.

Anyway, the tittle is in Sanskrit that adapt to Indonesian and several language, such as Hindi.
Based on Wikipedia, it means impersihavle, indestructible, fixed, immutable (beautiful, isn’t it? I even thought of give my son/daughter name with this word).

My interest to something related with language and linguistic coming from my father. 
He is professional writer, until no, he still can be found reading thick book about philosophy, religion, linguistic or even good novels. Even though he is not teach linguistic anymore, his interest in books is marvelous. 

For me, this linguistic interest is including found interesting script. 
When I'm bored, I can be found playing with google translate to find words or sentences written in different language or script other than English and Latin letters. 

When looking for tattoo design a few months back, I found several words that I'm interested to, such as: blessed, light, abundance, strength, courage, etc.
They are written in Hebrew, Arabic, Farsi and several script. 
I even found a very beautiful Song of Salomon's tattoo in Hebrew that looks like ship. 

After several contemplation and discussion with my friends, thinking what kind of life that I would like to have, I decide to have this words: abundance - blessed - balance. 
I choose this words with hope that I can have this kind of life. 

On the day of having this tattoo, I asked the tattoo artist to make this in Hangul, Hebrew and Arabic. 
Placed in area that can remind me everytime I feel desperate or need encouragement.

What is your words of encouragement and favourite script? 

Cheers, 
Amel

Tattoo

 

Jakarta, 11 July 2021

Back in my teenage years (I wish it only happens 3-4 years ago, but nope.. I’m not that delusional.. haha) – I really like Spice Girls.
For me, at that time, they are really bring a message that I agree upon it : Girl Power.

Growing up in the country where female have works twice as hard than male to prove themselves, this message really resonate with me.
So, when Mel C got tattoo – girl power words, written in Hiragana, I really like it.

I remember told my father, that one day I want to have tattoo like her.
My father just said, “why you want that?”
He’s not forbid me but he just questioned my intention since I was still in junior high school and at that time, those who have tattoo are still connoted negatively.

I didn’t think about it again, until I met Oma Sandy back on 2011.
I saw several of her tattoo, one of it is her parents name – that fascinated me. Her parents name combined makes a good meaning also.
So, we discuss about tattoo a lot.

Until I make my first tattoo on 2014.
I remember, it took only 15 minutes, with my parents name on it.
I made it after working hours.
Hurts as hell after it made for almost 7-10 days and I have to hide it from my parents. It’s difficult because I live in the same house as my parents. Hahahahahaha.
At that moments, my sister is the only one in my house who know about it.

If you wanna know, my parents finally found out about this tattoo after a month because of my own stupidity.
Of course, my mom is yelled at me and my father. She gives me classic question, such as : this is not permanent, right? It can be faded or erased, right?
Despite of my conversation in the past, my father is the one who remind cool about it.
When my mom yelled at me (and him), his response is : she is old enough to made that decision with her body.
Well, anyway, my parents now is totally ok with my tattoo (talking about better say sorry than asked for a permission, right?).
For my second tattoo, my father is the one who help me to choose my phoenix tattoo design from several options.

After having tattoo, I just realized that tattoo are personal, it has meaning to those who bear it. A memory, a prayer, a visualization of what they want to become, a reminder.
And different with situation in the past where tattoo have negative connotation, I think that people nowadays have their better understanding or open minded to tattoo.

How about you?
Do you have tattoo or tattoo to make?

Cheers,
Amel

Safety Pin

Jakarta, 11 July 2021

Pyschologist said that if a friendship lasts longer than 7 years, it will last a lifetime.

I was reading this quote maybe around 10-15 years ago, when I’m really into quotes in twitter era. Well, on my opinion, twitter is  the best social media so far.

Sometimes, when we read something, our brain is automatically sync with certain memories, a person, an event, a song.
When I was read this quote, my though goes directly to these person, my junior high school friends.

This year, we celebrate our 23 years of friendship.
The amount of the year itself can legally took alcoholic drinks with all of us.

Let me tell you story about us.

Three of us are met in  junior high school, we’re in the same class together.
And we’re found out that we’re having the same star sign : Pisces, which make it easy if we want to check out our zodiac in the magazine.

When we first met, I remember looking at Linda’s foot who got bad bruises due to her lesson to ride a motorcycle (yeap at first grade of junior high), but her smile was so bright and she is – up until now – still one of the friendliest person I’ve known.
I don’t remember how I met Sari for the first time because she is one of social butterfly – she knows everyone. We have 5 first grade class at that time and she can goes directly from my class to the end of the row class during recess time.

We form this friendship when we join altar girls and boys community in the cathedral.
During all of the schedule and sleepover when we celebrate Easter and Christmas, we’ve bond together. We met Egie also. Well, not literally met, because they are coming from the same elementary school while I was came from different school.
We’re met Donnie because he was Sari’s bestfriends during her high school but we’re getting along well.

Little do we know, that this kind of friendship is indeed have special bonds.
We’re going to different high school, all of us.
Then, Sari and I met by accident when we registered in the university – it turns out we took the same major. Without have any conversation about it.

One thing that reminds the same for all of this years is : we’re actually not communicate very often.
Of course, the communication style is quite different back then. And yes, we just have whatsapp group recently. But, we’re not the kind of people who really communicate every single day.
Sometimes, we have serious conversation that lead to long conversation when it’s needed.
Or sharing video/picture that we discuss – mostly silly video/picture. We definitely won’t burden our stressful life with another stressful conversation.

We try to meet others when we’re back in the hometown and have some good laughter.

But, I realized now, that it wasn’t the things that makes us have strong bond with each other.
We do have good memories with each other, a good laughter during the conversation or simply because one of us doing something silly.

No, the things that makes our strong bond  is our life struggle.

We’re so far already deals with thesis, heart break, losing a job, losing important people in our lives, got worried because we have family matters and so on.
At the darkest and difficult times, no matter where we are, we always find a time to took a phone calls and listen to our friends. Either it’s an ear to lend, words of encouragement or just a virtual hug.
At the darkest and difficult times, we know that we have each other.

And I think, that’s the important things about friendship, isn’t it?
When we know that we always have someone that we depends on outside our family.
Four of us are first born, we’re having an unspeakable bonds with our family – you, the first borner must know about this matters.
But, with them, I know that we have quite different relationship but as strong as family.
My second family. My safety pin.
A place where I can tell them almost everything that might not be able to share with my own family

Five of us rarely living in the same city at the same time.
We’re surviving Bali – Surabaya – Jakarta – Dubai – Maldives – Lombok era, up until now.

We didn’t know where the future will take us.
But, one thing for sure, no matter where we are, we have each other.

Cheers,
Amel

 

 

Akar

 

Jakarta, 6 Juli 2021

Juli, bulan favorit.

Namun, hari ini pikiran saya berlari kencang namun tak kunjung lelah.
Waktu masih pukul 21.27, tetapi sudah ada beberapa berita kurang menyenangkan yang membuat saya sedih.

Ketika saya sedang scrolling instagram story, saya menemukan akun Chris Angkasa yang membuat saya melihat feed-nya.
Dan menemukan cerita tentang Akar, Lokomotif dan Pesawat di lamannya.

Tulisan tersebut membuat saya berpikir tentang akar saya.
Hal-hal yang menjadi dasar sekaligus inti diri saya.
Orang, peristiwa, kebiasaan yang membentuk diri saya hari ini.

Mungkin ini waktunya bercerita tentang akar dalam hidup saya.
Lebih kepada pengingat diri, dari mana dan bagaimana saya terbentuk.
Untuk lebih memahami hal-hal besar yang terbentuk dari partikel namun artinya merasuk ke jiwa.

Mungkin, setelah membaca tulisan ini, saya, kamu atau siapapun – bisa memikirkan akarnya masing-masing.

Cheers, 
Amel

Zero O' Clock

Jakarta, 27 June 2021

During so many nights of sleeping disorder, I try to listen some music. 

It was trial and error. 
I even make a playlist on my phone named "sleeping pills" 

It was include, Frank Sinatra's Moon River.
To Stand by Your Man by Clara Bruni. 

But, apparently only one song that makes my sleep better. 
So, I put it in reverse version so I can listen it all night. 
Somehow this song makes my sleep uninterupted, especially on the day when I didn't took any sleeping pills. 

The song is Zero O'Clock by BTS. 

It surprisingly makes me calm, drop down my heart rate on normal scale. 
And reduce my overthinking. 
It makes me so curious so I start googling, if there is any scientific explanation between this song that calm my nerves. 

And yes, there is scientific explanation by psychiatrist about why this song so comfort. 

I hope you find calm like I did with this song. 

Cheers, 
Amel

 

A Journey To Love Myself

Jakarta, 27 June 2021

2020 was a hard year for me.
Despite of the pandemic situation where everyone need to adjust.
A job that might be more demanding than before.

And that’s when I was fell down into depression and anxiety disorders.

This is what happens to me.
I do my job, laugh and talk with my colleague and friends – but in the end of the day, I set my room in the coldest temperature put the lights off and sometime I just sit quietly or crying without any reasons.

I talk to a doctor, he said I got a mild depression, give me some medicine – I think it supposed to help me, but it’s not. So, I don’t go to the doctor anymore.

I have trouble sleeping, the common sleeping pills didn’t help me at all, even though I double the dosis.
I didn’t go anywhere, only go around my apartment area to bought food or my daily needs.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to meet anyone.
Then, from someone who have sleep disorder, I turn to someone who sleeps a lot.
I’ve done my works at 8 AM – 7 PM, then I go sleep – Every. Single. Day.

I remember, it was in the end of October 2020, there was a long weekend.
I have like 4-5 days off. And I was sleeping and crying on repeat at that time.
I’m not taking a bath. I barely eat. I think I lost weight for several kilos at that time.

My chest hurts so much. I have trouble breathing.

Then, one of my friends sending me a message in the instagram.
He just said, “Hey, how are you? I hope you are alright. Please take care of yourself ya.”
And I’m crying read his message.

He didn’t know what I’ve been through.
He just sending me that messages – that turns out to be my wake up call.

I wake up with tangled hair.
Trembling.
I was thinking – what the hell am I doing?

So, I took my first step,
I took a long shower.
I remember, I was just stand below cold water for maybe 15-30 minutes, crying and thinking – what do I do? What do I do now? Continuously.

After that, I decide to go outside and walk.
It was cold, crisp and almost dusk on early November.
I took a deep breath while walking.
Just walk and later on trying to choose my meals for dinners.

I was out for almost 30 minutes that day.
Then I took a paper and pen, write down what I want.
It was a scary experience for me.

I was alone in the apartment.
The thought to just end everything come and go.
But, I was too scared to die.
There is too many responsibility that needs to be done.

I don’t remember much about what I do after that day.
The depression state still come and go. But not as bad as before.

One day I told my friends that I want to make a phoenix tattoo as a reminder that I’m strong and even though from dust, I still can rise again.
An idea that already stay on my mind since 2011.
Since my friends also love tattoo, I suggest to have a match tattoo with her.
We’ve come to several ideas – from our zodiac symbol, our birth flower month (yes, we have same birth month and zodiac.. hahahha) and other tattoo idea.  

Then, she come with the idea with this tattoo.
A love yourself journey tattoo – you, ARMY must know this symbol, hahahaha..
And I think, this is the perfect tattoo for us.

Both of us have quite challenging 2020, but we hope that 2021 will brings new happy journey.
But, no matter how far journey that we take, the most important journey is always a journey to find ourselves.
A message that I want to remember everyday. 
Because I often forgot this kind of important message that leads to losing myself. 

This journey still ongoing with me.
But, with the simple reminder through this tattoo, I have a daily reminder that myself – my mental and physical health, who I am is the most important things before I taking care of other people or other matters.

So, have you love yourself?

Because in the end of the day, you will end up with yourself.
Love yourself, first and foremost.

Cheers,
Amel

 
P.s : Nope, this is not a picture of mine, I download it from the internet. But, yes, we use this design for our tattoo. 

 

 

Writing Again

Jakarta, June 27, 2021 

It’s been a long time since I sit down and writing something. 

Yes, I always give busy excuse to avoid writing. 

Thinking again, it was my excuse lately. 

Maybe, I do really busy of all schedules I have (my google calendar hold that proof). 

Or it’s just a matter of time management. 

I really don’t know. 

A few weeks ago, my brother reshared a post in instagram – which I totally forgot to save it. 

It said that if you want to know what’s on your mind, what really bothering you, go write. 

In the past few years, I think my head is full of haze. 

I lost myself on the daily basis, suffering from it – directly to my mental health. 

Read the post about writing, I realize that I didn’t write for several years. 

I don’t think that 1 or 2 post is really something – compare to what I do during 2011-2014. 

That time, I think that was the most insane time I feel for myself.

So, I decided to write again. 

I will just write, read it once then post it. 

Overthinking leads to over criticism of myself. 

If you come to this blog, then you should understand that all of the post are purely coming directly from the chaos of my mind to the tip of my finger. 

It might be something inspiring, something depressing, gibberish or even anger and rage. 

Since it’s something personal for me – you are very welcome to see my mayhem thought. 

You are free to come and read. 

And leave. 

Without coercion. 

No judgement, I don’t need any judgement from your side. 

Welcome to my blog. 

Cheers, 

Amel