2020 was a hard year for me.
Despite of the pandemic situation where everyone need to adjust.
A job that might be more demanding than before.
And that’s when I was fell down into depression and anxiety disorders.
This is what happens to me.
I do my job, laugh and talk with my colleague and friends – but in the end of
the day, I set my room in the coldest temperature put the lights off and
sometime I just sit quietly or crying without any reasons.
I talk to a doctor, he said I got a mild depression, give me some
medicine – I think it supposed to help me, but it’s not. So, I don’t go to the
doctor anymore.
I have trouble sleeping, the common sleeping pills didn’t help me at
all, even though I double the dosis.
I didn’t go anywhere, only go around my apartment area to bought food
or my daily needs.
I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to meet anyone.
Then, from someone who have sleep disorder, I turn to someone who sleeps a lot.
I’ve done my works at 8 AM – 7 PM, then I go sleep – Every. Single.
Day.
I remember, it was in the end of October 2020, there was a long
weekend.
I have like 4-5 days off. And I was sleeping and crying on repeat at that time.
I’m not taking a bath. I barely eat. I think I lost weight for several kilos at
that time.
My chest hurts so much. I have trouble breathing.
Then, one of my friends sending me a message in the instagram.
He just said, “Hey, how are you? I hope you are alright. Please take
care of yourself ya.”
And I’m crying read his message.
He didn’t know what I’ve been through.
He just sending me that messages – that turns out to be my wake up
call.
I wake up with tangled hair.
Trembling.
I was thinking – what the hell am I doing?
So, I took my first step,
I took a long shower.
I remember, I was just stand below cold water for maybe 15-30 minutes,
crying and thinking – what do I do? What do I do now? Continuously.
After that, I decide to go outside and walk.
It was cold, crisp and almost dusk on early November.
I took a deep breath while walking.
Just walk and later on trying to
choose my meals for dinners.
I was out for almost 30 minutes that day.
Then I took a paper and pen, write down what I want.
It was a scary experience for me.
I was alone in the apartment.
The thought to just end everything come and go.
But, I was too scared to die.
There is too many responsibility that needs to be done.
I don’t remember much about what I do after that day.
The depression state still come and go. But not as bad as before.
One day I told my friends that I want to make a phoenix tattoo as a
reminder that I’m strong and even though from dust, I still can rise again.
An idea that already stay on my mind since 2011.
Since my friends also love tattoo, I suggest to have a match tattoo
with her.
We’ve come to several ideas – from our zodiac symbol, our birth flower
month (yes, we have same birth month and zodiac.. hahahha) and other tattoo
idea.
Then, she come with the idea with this tattoo.
A love yourself journey tattoo – you, ARMY must know this symbol,
hahahaha..
And I think, this is the perfect tattoo for us.
Both of us have quite challenging 2020, but we hope that 2021 will brings new happy
journey.
But, no matter how far journey that we take, the most important journey
is always a journey to find ourselves.
A message that I want to remember everyday.
Because I often forgot this kind of important message that leads to losing myself.
This journey still ongoing with me.
But, with the simple reminder through this tattoo, I have a daily
reminder that myself – my mental and physical health, who I am is the most
important things before I taking care of other people or other matters.
So, have you love yourself?
Because in the end of the day, you will end up with yourself.
Love yourself, first and foremost.
Cheers,
Amel
P.s : Nope, this is not a picture of mine, I download it from the internet. But, yes, we use this design for our tattoo.
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